I wrote a song yesterday. It's called 'When'. It's much nicer when I play it on the guitar

WHEN

When... when I see the smile upon your face,
The greatest joy I feel, the greatest love I taste,
When... when you say that "I'm so happy now",
I fly into the sky and I don't know why...

Or how... but I'm so in love with you,
Believe me that these words I say are true,

Chorus:

I... I don't want to find my way back home,
Without you in my life, I will feel so cold,
I... I just want to find my way to you,
In my darkest night, your light will shine through.

When... when there are times it's only you and me,
My soul will find it's peace, my spirit will run free,
When... when you say that "you're God's gift to me",
All that I can see, is that we're meant to be...

You and me... through the thick and thin I'm by your side,
There's nothing in my heart that I will hide.

I... I don't want to find my way back home,
Without you in my life, I will feel so cold,
I... I just want to find my way to you,
In my darkest night, your light will shine through.

I'm on the 'sappy love movie' marathon that's going to continue on all summer long. Here are the movies that I've watched so far:

1) Moulin Rouge
2) Shakespeare in Love
3) Phantom of the Opera
4) Romeo and Juliet
5) Closer
6) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
7) The Notebook
8) Alfie

Here's an interesting quote from 'Alfie':

Alfie: What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket, some nice threads, fancy car at my disposal, and I'm single. Yeah... unattached, free as a bird... I don't depend on nobody and nobody depends on me... My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have that, you've got nothing. So... what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself. What's it all about? You know what I mean?

Here's some random rambling that I wrote while I was at the airport (coming back from Boston):

This mysterious feeling creeps into me.
Without warning, without reason.
Like the blow of the wind it sweeps me over.
Senseless, mindless.
Like a small child I can only feel.
Let me feel then.

Don't you ask why? How? When?
It just is.
No longer can I trace the logic behind this.
Oh wait... why should I?
Isn't this life lived by feeling?
Enough of us trying to figure this out.
Like a small child I can only feel.
Let me feel then.

Love...
Not bound by the rules of physics nor any equations of mathematics.
Nay..
Love transcends all that.
In this world of made up assumptions and simplifications...only love makes senses.
But let the truth be told...as sensible as love is...
It may very well be the hardest thing to understand.
Maybe it is not meant to be understood.
Like a small child we can only feel.
Let us feel then...

A DAY WORTH LIVING

I had an awesome day today. Woke up late, then went shopping with Steph at Shadyside. Bought myself a nice purple-pink-red shirt from GAP. Steph bought a blue skirt from J. Crew which I think is incerdibly cute. We then met up with Melissa and Rob at the math & physics lounge(what's wrong with us, guys?? We're having a freaking holiday. Ppl don't go to the lounge during holidays!! :P) Ah well..I'll be going to the lounge again tommorow to paint it. It's gonna be fun!! Anyways, we met up with Nick, picked up Craig and went to dinner at Bangkok Balcony with Nikki and Todd. I had the Tilapia dish and it was so good. Let me say it again... SO GOOD. We then went back to Craig's house to watch Spaceballs. Now I'm back here in my room feeling so tired. But it was a superb day. I wish my that life in cmu has been this way for the past 4 years. It's sad that I only got close to them in my senior year. You guys are awesome :) Thanks for making my day. See you guys tommorrow...

Nothing like an ol' Bon Jovi song to express what I'm feeling:

I should have seen it coming when roses died
Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
I should have listened when you said good night
You really meant good bye
Baby, ain’t it funny, how you never ever learn to fall
You’re really on your knees, when you think you’re standing tall
But only fools are know-it-alls and I played that fool for you

I cried and I cried
There were nights that died for you baby
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby

If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried ain’t that long
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time
Like we got away with the perfect crime but
We were just a legend in my mind
I guess that I was blind
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
The clowns wore smiles that wouldn’t fade
You and I were the renegades, some things never change

It made me so mad ’cause I wanted it bad for us baby
Now it’s so sad that whatever we had, ain’t worth saving
If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long
Then I’m wrong, yes I’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song...

We sleep and dream of our waking life..and so shall we wake up and live our dreams. Isn't that what life is? Constant struggle to live out our dreams...
Now you speak of things happening the way they're supposed to. Let me tell you this, things do happen the way they're supposed to. And we humans are supposed to strive to achieve our dreams... that IS what supposed to happen. How can fate give us what we deserve if we ourselves do not do what we are supposed to? Letting things be will only bring regret if anything.

And you speak of strength.. do you understand what it is? It is not achieved by being in control nor is it achieved by being independent. Strength lies in the courage to embrace the path that leads to our dream knowing that the path is dangerous and risky. Strength is in admitting that you need other people in your life and thus you do your best to keep their heart close to yours. Strength is in accepting who you are and who you are not.

Now let me tell you this...
I don't think I am weak. Yes I'm sad, yes I weep, yes I whine... but at least I admit that all those things are part of me. I readily accept it as my imperfections in life. And I strive to overcome those...even if it means by needing other people in my life. If anything, my constant, unfailing strive to have YOU in my life to ease my pain is my STRENGTH.

I know my dreams...and one of them is having someone to love, to share all my joy, pain and dreams with. And my constant quest for love is my strength..never shall it be my weakness..never. Things are supposed to happen the way they should... I chase my dream and fate shall give me what I deserve for that effort.
Now you ask yourself... What is your dream? Have you strived hard enough to achieve it? I can assure you this... letting things be is a sign that you are not strong enough. Nay, letting things be is a sign that you are WEAK. That you are so afraid to embrace that risky and dangerous path.

Yes you are right, we only live this life once... and I'm not gonna do something that I might regret. I feel that you are....

Here's a few lines from the movie 'Waking life':

Man on the Train: Hey, are you a dreamer?

Wiley: Yeah.

Man on the Train: I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm a dreamer, and I shall dream on...

This is a such a lovely song...

Come What May by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day i'm loving you more than this
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

An excerpt from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet":

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And so bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

This week has been the craziest week in my life. How can so many things happen in one week? In the end, I got to write this song... hoping that she'll read it.

Hafiz Affandi
Song: Maybe
Lyrics by : Hafiz Affandi
Music by: Hafiz Affandi


Sitting here alone with these thoughts in my head.
Looking on the phone to read what you said.
Blaming myself now that things have gone bad.
But deep in my heart I know love's not dead.

Maybe I should sleep, but there are no dreams ahead.
Maybe I should call, but that'll make u mad.
Maybe I should leave, but I know I'll regret.
So I'm just gonna write this song tonight.

Chorus:
Maybe you were cold,
Maybe I was blind,
But I believe, there's still much more for you and me to find.

Maybe we are lost,
Like a song out of rhyme,
But I believe, that all we need is just a little time,
Just time... to make things right.

Sitting here alone with guitar in my hand.
Seeing this love slips like grains of sand.
I know this song can make no amend.
But can you hear me please, even as a friend.

Maybe I should sleep, but there are no dreams ahead.
Maybe I should call, but that'll make u mad.
Maybe I should leave, but I know I'll regret.
So I'm just just gonna write this song tonight.

Chorus

Maybe we are scared, to feel what we feel,
Maybe unprepared, not sure how to deal,
Maybe we're in pain from wounds yet to heal,
But try to understand the way I feel.

Chorus

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

I love this song...simply because it describes the way I feel most of the times.

!!WARNING!! This is probably going to be the most personal and private entry that I ever published:

I grew up as a kid who keeps his feelings to himself most of the time. I like to think of it as me being wise and being able to solve my problems all by myself. But let the truth be told!! I am an arrogant boy who is too proud of his strengths and too ashamed of his weaknesses. To tell another person that you are sad or depressed will only reveal how vulnerable you are. And for the longest time I was ashamed of that. A good friend of mine once told me that it is natural for human to show their strengths and hide their weaknesses. But aren't these weaknesses what make us human?? I should learn to open up!! But to open ur heart is not easy..especially when you have created an indestructible wall around it.

When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years back, I felt lost. Trust me, fear and uncertainty are the worst feeling you can ever feel. I didn't want to face reality...it was just too disgusting. So I created a wall around my heart... a wall so strong that it still stand till this day. I learnt not to love too much...and not too hate too much either. When she died, all I felt was numbness... no pain at all. Now I have one regret in life... I shouldn't have created that wall in the first place... I should have gotten closer to my mom.. not farther apart. But what could I have done?? The pain was simply too much to bear. One side of me keep saying.."be independent", "don't depend on your mom too much", "don't LOVE her too much???". Damn it, should have recognized the devil speaking. Till now, I still dream of her. There's this one recurring dream... my mom was alive!! the doctor said that she came back to life a few seconds after she was declared dead... that was the happiest moment in my life. How can my conscious self accept her death but not my unconscious self?? How deep is this regret??? Let myself not be misunderstood!!! I don't regret not being physically with her when she died. I regret not being EMOTIONALLY with her when she died. All I felt was numbness...

And this numbness I still feel till this day. In everything I do. How strong is this wall I built?? Could I have been that good at building walls?? Love..no longer I feel. No love...just numbness. I can't seem to break this wall myself. Is there somebody out there who knows how to break walls?? Then please..by all means, break this cursed wall I built with my very own hand. Let my heart be free... to live without regret. God,I ask you.. let me feel love... if that is too much to ask then let me feel the worst of pain. For that is better than numbness. Anything is better than...numbness...

There are many times when people criticize my interest in studying philosophy..particularly on how it affects my view on my religion. Though the study of philosophy mainly involves questioning many well-established dogmas (be it science, religion, ethics), I feel that questioning is something that everybody should learn to do. We should not question merely to become a skeptic, but to become a critic... someone who questions so that he or she can construct a strong foundation to support his/her beliefs. I recently came across a philosophy essay I wrote 2 years ago pertaining to the question of essence and existence of man. Though the essay discuss the point of view of a famous atheist philosopher, reading it again made me even sure of the existence of God and more importantly why we need Him in our life. Here are excerpts from my essay:

Satre first explains that existensialism is the belief that "existence precede essence"- there is no preconception of human nature. For example, essence precede existence for a paper knife since it can only be produced after its purpose, thus its essence, had already been conceived. Since the time of Plato, it has been widely believed that this is also true for the case of human being. Since God can be thought as the Creator of human, thus essence of human must have already being conceived before they are created. For Satre, who does not believe in the existence of God, there is no reason to believe that there is an essence in human that is prior to our existence - thus a man exists first and then define who he is.

This sense of existensialism, however, inevitably leads to the feeling of abandonment and despair. The rejection of existence of God, which is the essential feature of of Satre's atheistic existensialism, will cause the rejection of all moral guidelines set forth by religion. With no moral guidelines to help man choose a particular course of action deemed to be right, there will be no values that man can put in his course of actions. Thus "man is condemned to be free" - free because our existence precedes our essence but condemned because that very freedom means that therre is no essence of human nature that can guide man in making decisions in life. Worse still, all the course of actions that a man takes will ultimately be his own responsibility since there is no human nature, passion or fate in which he can blame. Moreover, there is always a feeling of despair that a certain plan that man has worked out will not be fullfilled. Without the existence of God, man cannot put hope that the possibilities of the future can be adopted to his desire.

-Hafiz Raja Ahmad-

Thus my question now is: are human meant to be free from any essence yet be condemned to live a life of despair? Or are we still bounded by the limits of religion and human nature yet still able to find happiness in life? For me, to find happiness is the ultimate human desire. We all want to find happiness - be it today, or when we are old, or even in the afterlife. As for me, I prefer to be happy than to be free - and that means I affirm my belief in the existence of God and my need for Him to be in my life.