"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

I love this song...simply because it describes the way I feel most of the times.

!!WARNING!! This is probably going to be the most personal and private entry that I ever published:

I grew up as a kid who keeps his feelings to himself most of the time. I like to think of it as me being wise and being able to solve my problems all by myself. But let the truth be told!! I am an arrogant boy who is too proud of his strengths and too ashamed of his weaknesses. To tell another person that you are sad or depressed will only reveal how vulnerable you are. And for the longest time I was ashamed of that. A good friend of mine once told me that it is natural for human to show their strengths and hide their weaknesses. But aren't these weaknesses what make us human?? I should learn to open up!! But to open ur heart is not easy..especially when you have created an indestructible wall around it.

When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years back, I felt lost. Trust me, fear and uncertainty are the worst feeling you can ever feel. I didn't want to face reality...it was just too disgusting. So I created a wall around my heart... a wall so strong that it still stand till this day. I learnt not to love too much...and not too hate too much either. When she died, all I felt was numbness... no pain at all. Now I have one regret in life... I shouldn't have created that wall in the first place... I should have gotten closer to my mom.. not farther apart. But what could I have done?? The pain was simply too much to bear. One side of me keep saying.."be independent", "don't depend on your mom too much", "don't LOVE her too much???". Damn it, should have recognized the devil speaking. Till now, I still dream of her. There's this one recurring dream... my mom was alive!! the doctor said that she came back to life a few seconds after she was declared dead... that was the happiest moment in my life. How can my conscious self accept her death but not my unconscious self?? How deep is this regret??? Let myself not be misunderstood!!! I don't regret not being physically with her when she died. I regret not being EMOTIONALLY with her when she died. All I felt was numbness...

And this numbness I still feel till this day. In everything I do. How strong is this wall I built?? Could I have been that good at building walls?? Love..no longer I feel. No love...just numbness. I can't seem to break this wall myself. Is there somebody out there who knows how to break walls?? Then please..by all means, break this cursed wall I built with my very own hand. Let my heart be free... to live without regret. God,I ask you.. let me feel love... if that is too much to ask then let me feel the worst of pain. For that is better than numbness. Anything is better than...numbness...

There are many times when people criticize my interest in studying philosophy..particularly on how it affects my view on my religion. Though the study of philosophy mainly involves questioning many well-established dogmas (be it science, religion, ethics), I feel that questioning is something that everybody should learn to do. We should not question merely to become a skeptic, but to become a critic... someone who questions so that he or she can construct a strong foundation to support his/her beliefs. I recently came across a philosophy essay I wrote 2 years ago pertaining to the question of essence and existence of man. Though the essay discuss the point of view of a famous atheist philosopher, reading it again made me even sure of the existence of God and more importantly why we need Him in our life. Here are excerpts from my essay:

Satre first explains that existensialism is the belief that "existence precede essence"- there is no preconception of human nature. For example, essence precede existence for a paper knife since it can only be produced after its purpose, thus its essence, had already been conceived. Since the time of Plato, it has been widely believed that this is also true for the case of human being. Since God can be thought as the Creator of human, thus essence of human must have already being conceived before they are created. For Satre, who does not believe in the existence of God, there is no reason to believe that there is an essence in human that is prior to our existence - thus a man exists first and then define who he is.

This sense of existensialism, however, inevitably leads to the feeling of abandonment and despair. The rejection of existence of God, which is the essential feature of of Satre's atheistic existensialism, will cause the rejection of all moral guidelines set forth by religion. With no moral guidelines to help man choose a particular course of action deemed to be right, there will be no values that man can put in his course of actions. Thus "man is condemned to be free" - free because our existence precedes our essence but condemned because that very freedom means that therre is no essence of human nature that can guide man in making decisions in life. Worse still, all the course of actions that a man takes will ultimately be his own responsibility since there is no human nature, passion or fate in which he can blame. Moreover, there is always a feeling of despair that a certain plan that man has worked out will not be fullfilled. Without the existence of God, man cannot put hope that the possibilities of the future can be adopted to his desire.

-Hafiz Raja Ahmad-

Thus my question now is: are human meant to be free from any essence yet be condemned to live a life of despair? Or are we still bounded by the limits of religion and human nature yet still able to find happiness in life? For me, to find happiness is the ultimate human desire. We all want to find happiness - be it today, or when we are old, or even in the afterlife. As for me, I prefer to be happy than to be free - and that means I affirm my belief in the existence of God and my need for Him to be in my life.